Pull out the pregnant woman's box...

this is where the more journal type entry occurs....

Ya know, I've really found myself frustrated lately, more so with myself, about a lot of things that I haven't really voiced to anyone but Ryan. I've really been hard on myself the last few weeks. Harder than normal, my mom & dad have noticed a few things but I chalked it up to them making excuses for me because I'm pregnant and I didn't actually take a look at the big picture until the last few days... I'm kicking my own butt here, literally!!! So maybe talking (or typing) about it will alleviate a little inner tension that I have.

Here's my current mental "beef". I've had a few people, inside & outside of our friends and family question me on being a stay at home mom and what brought Ryan and I to the decision for me to stay home with Elijah & Owen. I think the importance of being a stay home really varies family to family and how you & your spouse were raised. I feel that because of that it can be easily looked down upon. I've always known in my heart & mind that it was the right thing for my family though. I was lucky enough to marry a man that was in complete agreement. So, where is the "beef" you're wondering?

Over the last couple weeks I've ACTUALLY QUESTIONED MYSELF ABOUT STAYING HOME! I did it, all by myself, I actually doubted for the first time in the almost 25 years of my life if I really wanted to be a stay at home mom and if it was the right thing for our family. Since the day I knew I wanted to be a mom (which was probably when I was 10 yrs old) I knew I would stay home with them until they went to school and even when that day came I knew I would always have a job that was flexible enough for me to drop my kids off and pick them up from school, to be there for field trips and class parties, to be home in the afternoon for homework and to play. So WHY, why on earth would I all of sudden doubt this now?

I haven't come up with a conculsion yet other than the thought of 3 kids under 2.5 years old is slightly (maybe slightly is an understatement) overwhelming to think about. I don't think that's the real reason for the momentary doubt that reered it's ugly head. It's totally gone now and I'm back to my normal happy to be home with my children self. But I still have no idea why all of a sudden out of the blue I would think I wanted to do anything other than what I'm doing!!!! However, something that helped me jump back on that path is a book I'm reading right now for a bible study group that I joined, its about 10 moms in the group and we're reading "Being a Great Mom, Raising Great Kids" by Sharon Jaynes. Our first meeting is tonight and I'm really excited about it, mostly because this book was exactly what I needed to read right now.

THIS is one of the main reasons why I stay home, worded better than I could ever try & directly from our bible study book.

"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand..." ( John 10:11-13)

The shepherd is willing to lay down his life for the sheep. But the hired hand runs away because caring for them is only his job. We can't expect a day-care worker, preschool teacher, or babysitter to care for our children as lovingly as we do. That's not to say that we're never to utilize the help of others but we do need to recognize the limitations of their hearts.

So where yes, some days I want to go back to dentistry so that I have a life outside of Dr. Seuss books and playgroups or some days I think double incomes (from a dental salary, not party planning) would be REALLY nice, I need to know where my "flock" is. Maybe it's a little bit of a control thing... maybe it's purely love... I haven't figured it out but I'm sooo thankful for this book being introduced to my life right now and setting my mind back on the right path! I'm only on page 44 but I recommend it to anyone that is questioning why they've chosen the path they are on for their family! :)

While I'm on the subject of things I'm thankful for, THANK YOU MOM.Being that I've now learned that staying home with your children is not the easiest task in the world and requires a lot of sacrifices, I've really learned to appreciate the way you & Dad chose to raise us. Thank you for always being home with us and showing me the right way to love and raise a family. If there's ever a time you're wondering if you taught me anything (which I know you've probably questioned a lot with me being your rebellious, black sheep daughter) you've taught me the most important thing of all, how to be a great mom, and a lot of what this book says, I already knew and witnessed from my own childhood and I don't think I've ever really thanked you for showing me the right path and tossing me directly on to it! So, THANKS MOM!

And... I'm happily stepping off my soapbox, at least for now.